And for all the parents who unexpectedly lost a child, and for the siblings, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.
They call it “death out of order” when a child dies before a parent. My beautiful 17 year old boy passed away on Sept 18, 2020 from an accidental overdose of fentanyl. A philosophy is truly profound when it provides solace, peace, and comfort during life’s most difficult moments. Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism is this philosophy. Through the practice of reciting the Lotus Sutra, chanting daimoku, and studying the writings of Nichiren Daishonin and our mentor Daidoku Ikeda, this philosophy gives one truth and wisdom, and guides one through life’s joys and sorrows. It was a test of my faith when I was faced with the unexpected and sudden passing of my child.
I have been practicing ND buddhism for 36 years and have never failed to see benefit, and actual proof of changing my karma. I always believed that if this philosophy was truly profound it would not only apply to the physical aspect of our lives in this world, but provide answers to the most fundamental human question, understanding life and death.
I also learned after 36 years of practice, to muster and develop courage and appreciation no matter how dire the situation. On Sept 12th, 2020 I received a phone call asking if I was the mother of Jeff Weber. It was Children’s Hospital of Aurora. As often in these situations, it is hard to remember exact details. I remember the words helicopter, flight for life, serious, go to the hospital immediately. Next thing I knew I was in my car, driving down the highway instinctively towards Children’s Hospital. My brother-in-law and daughter met me outside of the pediatric ICU. We chanted while waiting for the helicopter to arrive. I could already feel the seriousness of the situation. The nurses came out and explained Jeff was on a ventilator and we could go see him.
Practicing gratitude: we were in the throes of the pandemic, and a spike in Colorado, and talk in the media was about a shortage of ventilators and ICU beds, yet Jeff received a ventilator and an ICU room immediately. Our Soka family soon surrounded us with prayers and daimoku. Again, we were in the middle of the pandemic, but somehow the nurses in the ICU allowed as many family members who were available into his room (masked of course). We had family coming in from Chicago and they were all allowed into his room. We were also able to allow his best friend and girlfriend in at the time. The nurse indicated she was making an exception. He received exceptional care at Children’s Hospital. There were round the clock prayers from many denominations and visitors. Even a church in Mexico connected to his best friend’s family was praying for him.
I was meeting daily with his team of doctors and it was becoming clear that the damage to his body was extensive and he would most likely not survive. He had a massive coronary event that weakened his heart and he had stopped breathing and was revived three times. His other vital organs had been injured as well. The head doctor was certain he would not live past Tuesday. His close and dear cousins and family members were flying in from Chicago and would arrive on Thursday. He was still with us on Thursday when they arrived. I asked the Dr. why he survived that long and she did not have an answer.
Of course, during this week my emotions were all over the place. I remember, however, a specific experience on Tuesday. I had been sleeping in his room. I rolled over on my hospital daybed and looked up at him. He had all these tubes and machines connected to him and should not have looked good. Yet, I remember looking at his face and he looked so peaceful. In the Gosho the “Importance of the Moment of Death”, Nichiren comments that one’s complexion in the moment of death reflects the life condition which will be carried into their next life. A fair complexion that resembles one’s good looks and youthful appearance reflects the state of Buddhahood and being reborn into the worlds of the four noble truths. It was a very profound moment for me and a gift that somehow in my heart I felt “he is going to be ok”.
The Saturday before, Jeff’s heart had stopped in his sleep while staying at a friend’s house. They performed CPR and got his heart back before the EMT’s came. He never woke up. He never experienced pain. This was so important to me. That his passing be without physical pain. A mother’s love is to protect their children from pain as best they can.
By the end of the week, it was clear that his body was losing functions to maintain life. I went home and chanted to the Gohonzon. It was the hardest prayer a mother could ever have. I did not want him to stay on the ventilator needlessly when there was no hope of sustaining life. I prayed to him, that he did not belong to me and I did not “own” him, that I loved him so much, and that this was now his journey and for him to decide how this journey would continue. Later that afternoon his heart stopped surrounded by family that loved him immensely.
From the “Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life”, For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that not just one or two, not just one hundred or two hundred, but as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!”
Later as I sat at home, one of the thoughts that entered my mind was that I would be on this journey alone. That is only partially true. Almost instantaneously, our family was surrounded by the support and love from the community, from Jeff’s seemingly endless number of friends, and friends of friends, mother’s, siblings, neighbors, and more. There was a Go Fund Me, food, flowers, cards and visitors for weeks on end. We held a virtual memorial (still in the pandemic) and over 140 attended. It was an opportunity to share ND Buddhist view of life and death. All of this was a testament to how much Jeff was loved and the joy he brought to others even for his brief time on earth.
“From the standpoint of eternity, there is hardly any difference between a “long” and a “short” life. Therefore, it’s not whether one’s life is long or short, but how one lives that is important. It is what we accomplish, the degree to which we develop our state of life, the number of people we help become happy – that is what matters.” Daisaku Ikeda
The weeks and months following his passing were extremely difficult. But the outpouring of love sustained me. I clung to this gosho passage from “Reply to Mother Ueno” who lost her beloved son, Shichiro Goro, unexpectedly at the age of 16, Nicherin writes “I hope that, if you, his loving mother, are thinking with longing about your son, you will chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and pray to be reborn in the same place as the late Shichirō Gorō and your husband, the late Nanjō. The seeds of one kind of plant are all the same; they are different from the seeds of other plants. If all of you nurture the same seeds of Myoho-renge-kyo in your hearts, then you all will be reborn together in the same land of Myoho-renge-kyo.” And from the Gosho, “the Gift of Clear Sake”, he writes “even if one were to point at the earth and miss it, even if the sun and moon should fall to the ground, even if an age should come when the tides cease to ebb and flow, or even if flowers should not turn to fruit in summer, it could never happen that a woman who chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo would fail to be reunited with her beloved child. Continue in your devotion to faith, and bring this about quickly!”
The thought that I would be reunited with him someday gave me hope and I clung to this belief. During this time my faith gave me the courage to continue. Many of my son’s friends continued to reach out to me. It was solace for me as well as for them. We all missed him so terribly and we shared this pain in our hearts. I encouraged them to continue to share stories about Jeff, to laugh and feel joy, as this is what he would have wanted. We laughed and cried together as we shared memories of my son. This was so important in the healing process. I spoke to them about my Buddhist philosophy and the view of life and death. They could see that it upheld me through a mother’s greatest struggle.
As time went on I reflected on our final summer together. As a result of the pandemic, I was working from home and Jeff was always around. Over the last four years Jeff and I together had worked through many struggles with school and juvenile court. We had broken through so many of these challenges. Through these experiences we grew closer and I felt as though I understood his heart more clearly. He had been accepted into an alternative school for the fall and I had never seen him happier. That summer our relationship was the best it had ever been. He was especially loving and tender with not only me but everyone. It seemed he wanted a hug every day! I treasure that gift. He even gave me a nickname, Moomsie. Which of course, caught on with all of his friends.
This is not an easy journey and will continue as long as I am here. A grief doula once said to me, your grief is like waves of the ocean, ebbing and flowing, sometimes calm and sometimes overwhelming. The emotions will always be there, but you can learn how to ride the waves. Grief is a personal journey yet a universal one. I also took advantage of other resources. Two leaves of absence from work, grief therapy at Children’s Hospital, and GRASP meetings (Grieving Recovery after Substance Passing) for loved ones. We are fortunate to live in a time in which there are so many resources available unique to each situation. I would recommend reaching out to available resources for anyone experiencing loss. Podcast and books are also a great resource.
Jeff’s friends have continued to reach out to our family to this day. We have shared ND Buddhism and Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo with over a dozen youth. One of his friends, Nicole, received a Gohonzon May 7th 2023. Two of his best friends, Dylan and Francesco are actively practicing. Countless other friends have chanted, Mason, Mitch, Bella, Ned, Keegan, Chris and more. Buddhism teaches us the unlimited expansion of life and the universe. That death is a dormant state where one rest until entry into the next lifetime. A few weeks after Jeff’s passing, a senior in faith told me he would chant for my son to be born immediately into another Buddhist family. I carry this message in my heart always. When I am able to expand my heart and mind, I believe that the love between a mother and child is expansive and eternal, and I will be reunited with him someday. He has contributed to world peace in life and in death.
Jeffrey Dandridge Weber
Embracing the Buddhist view of life and death
For my beautiful sweet child Jeff
And for all the parents who unexpectedly lost a child, and for the siblings, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.
They call it “death out of order” when a child dies before a parent. My beautiful 17 year old boy passed away on Sept 18, 2020 from an accidental overdose of fentanyl. A philosophy is truly profound when it provides solace, peace, and comfort during life’s most difficult moments. Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism is this philosophy. Through the practice of reciting the Lotus Sutra, chanting daimoku, and studying the writings of Nichiren Daishonin and our mentor Daidoku Ikeda, this philosophy gives one truth and wisdom, and guides one through life’s joys and sorrows. It was a test of my faith when I was faced with the unexpected and sudden passing of my child.
I have been practicing ND buddhism for 36 years and have never failed to see benefit, and actual proof of changing my karma. I always believed that if this philosophy was truly profound it would not only apply to the physical aspect of our lives in this world, but provide answers to the most fundamental human question, understanding life and death.
I also learned after 36 years of practice, to muster and develop courage and appreciation no matter how dire the situation. On Sept 12th, 2020 I received a phone call asking if I was the mother of Jeff Weber. It was Children’s Hospital of Aurora. As often in these situations, it is hard to remember exact details. I remember the words helicopter, flight for life, serious, go to the hospital immediately. Next thing I knew I was in my car, driving down the highway instinctively towards Children’s Hospital. My brother-in-law and daughter met me outside of the pediatric ICU. We chanted while waiting for the helicopter to arrive. I could already feel the seriousness of the situation. The nurses came out and explained Jeff was on a ventilator and we could go see him.
Practicing gratitude: we were in the throes of the pandemic, and a spike in Colorado, and talk in the media was about a shortage of ventilators and ICU beds, yet Jeff received a ventilator and an ICU room immediately. Our Soka family soon surrounded us with prayers and daimoku. Again, we were in the middle of the pandemic, but somehow the nurses in the ICU allowed as many family members who were available into his room (masked of course). We had family coming in from Chicago and they were all allowed into his room. We were also able to allow his best friend and girlfriend in at the time. The nurse indicated she was making an exception. He received exceptional care at Children’s Hospital. There were round the clock prayers from many denominations and visitors. Even a church in Mexico connected to his best friend’s family was praying for him.
I was meeting daily with his team of doctors and it was becoming clear that the damage to his body was extensive and he would most likely not survive. He had a massive coronary event that weakened his heart and he had stopped breathing and was revived three times. His other vital organs had been injured as well. The head doctor was certain he would not live past Tuesday. His close and dear cousins and family members were flying in from Chicago and would arrive on Thursday. He was still with us on Thursday when they arrived. I asked the Dr. why he survived that long and she did not have an answer.
Of course, during this week my emotions were all over the place. I remember, however, a specific experience on Tuesday. I had been sleeping in his room. I rolled over on my hospital daybed and looked up at him. He had all these tubes and machines connected to him and should not have looked good. Yet, I remember looking at his face and he looked so peaceful. In the Gosho the “Importance of the Moment of Death”, Nichiren comments that one’s complexion in the moment of death reflects the life condition which will be carried into their next life. A fair complexion that resembles one’s good looks and youthful appearance reflects the state of Buddhahood and being reborn into the worlds of the four noble truths. It was a very profound moment for me and a gift that somehow in my heart I felt “he is going to be ok”.
The Saturday before, Jeff’s heart had stopped in his sleep while staying at a friend’s house. They performed CPR and got his heart back before the EMT’s came. He never woke up. He never experienced pain. This was so important to me. That his passing be without physical pain. A mother’s love is to protect their children from pain as best they can.
By the end of the week, it was clear that his body was losing functions to maintain life. I went home and chanted to the Gohonzon. It was the hardest prayer a mother could ever have. I did not want him to stay on the ventilator needlessly when there was no hope of sustaining life. I prayed to him, that he did not belong to me and I did not “own” him, that I loved him so much, and that this was now his journey and for him to decide how this journey would continue. Later that afternoon his heart stopped surrounded by family that loved him immensely.
From the “Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life”, For one who summons up one’s faith and chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with the profound insight that now is the last moment of one’s life, the sutra proclaims: “When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.” How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that not just one or two, not just one hundred or two hundred, but as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!”
Later as I sat at home, one of the thoughts that entered my mind was that I would be on this journey alone. That is only partially true. Almost instantaneously, our family was surrounded by the support and love from the community, from Jeff’s seemingly endless number of friends, and friends of friends, mother’s, siblings, neighbors, and more. There was a Go Fund Me, food, flowers, cards and visitors for weeks on end. We held a virtual memorial (still in the pandemic) and over 140 attended. It was an opportunity to share ND Buddhist view of life and death. All of this was a testament to how much Jeff was loved and the joy he brought to others even for his brief time on earth.
“From the standpoint of eternity, there is hardly any difference between a “long” and a “short” life. Therefore, it’s not whether one’s life is long or short, but how one lives that is important. It is what we accomplish, the degree to which we develop our state of life, the number of people we help become happy – that is what matters.” Daisaku Ikeda
The weeks and months following his passing were extremely difficult. But the outpouring of love sustained me. I clung to this gosho passage from “Reply to Mother Ueno” who lost her beloved son, Shichiro Goro, unexpectedly at the age of 16, Nicherin writes “I hope that, if you, his loving mother, are thinking with longing about your son, you will chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and pray to be reborn in the same place as the late Shichirō Gorō and your husband, the late Nanjō. The seeds of one kind of plant are all the same; they are different from the seeds of other plants. If all of you nurture the same seeds of Myoho-renge-kyo in your hearts, then you all will be reborn together in the same land of Myoho-renge-kyo.” And from the Gosho, “the Gift of Clear Sake”, he writes “even if one were to point at the earth and miss it, even if the sun and moon should fall to the ground, even if an age should come when the tides cease to ebb and flow, or even if flowers should not turn to fruit in summer, it could never happen that a woman who chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo would fail to be reunited with her beloved child. Continue in your devotion to faith, and bring this about quickly!”
The thought that I would be reunited with him someday gave me hope and I clung to this belief. During this time my faith gave me the courage to continue. Many of my son’s friends continued to reach out to me. It was solace for me as well as for them. We all missed him so terribly and we shared this pain in our hearts. I encouraged them to continue to share stories about Jeff, to laugh and feel joy, as this is what he would have wanted. We laughed and cried together as we shared memories of my son. This was so important in the healing process. I spoke to them about my Buddhist philosophy and the view of life and death. They could see that it upheld me through a mother’s greatest struggle.
As time went on I reflected on our final summer together. As a result of the pandemic, I was working from home and Jeff was always around. Over the last four years Jeff and I together had worked through many struggles with school and juvenile court. We had broken through so many of these challenges. Through these experiences we grew closer and I felt as though I understood his heart more clearly. He had been accepted into an alternative school for the fall and I had never seen him happier. That summer our relationship was the best it had ever been. He was especially loving and tender with not only me but everyone. It seemed he wanted a hug every day! I treasure that gift. He even gave me a nickname, Moomsie. Which of course, caught on with all of his friends.
This is not an easy journey and will continue as long as I am here. A grief doula once said to me, your grief is like waves of the ocean, ebbing and flowing, sometimes calm and sometimes overwhelming. The emotions will always be there, but you can learn how to ride the waves. Grief is a personal journey yet a universal one. I also took advantage of other resources. Two leaves of absence from work, grief therapy at Children’s Hospital, and GRASP meetings (Grieving Recovery after Substance Passing) for loved ones. We are fortunate to live in a time in which there are so many resources available unique to each situation. I would recommend reaching out to available resources for anyone experiencing loss. Podcast and books are also a great resource.
Jeff’s friends have continued to reach out to our family to this day. We have shared ND Buddhism and Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo with over a dozen youth. One of his friends, Nicole, received a Gohonzon May 7th 2023. Two of his best friends, Dylan and Francesco are actively practicing. Countless other friends have chanted, Mason, Mitch, Bella, Ned, Keegan, Chris and more. Buddhism teaches us the unlimited expansion of life and the universe. That death is a dormant state where one rest until entry into the next lifetime. A few weeks after Jeff’s passing, a senior in faith told me he would chant for my son to be born immediately into another Buddhist family. I carry this message in my heart always. When I am able to expand my heart and mind, I believe that the love between a mother and child is expansive and eternal, and I will be reunited with him someday. He has contributed to world peace in life and in death.